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13 January 2011 @ 11:54 pm
Oneshot; There is a wall (and it separates)  
Title: There is a wall (and it separates)
Genre: Angst, romance
Length: Oneshot; 1163 words
Summary: A partition in the dressing room. Jaejoong and Changmin can't talk to each other again, ever.

A/N: Partly based on what I perceive of fan and other accounts of their current situation, partly pure imagination and other literary influences at work. Mostly I'm also trying to accept the hard fact that DBSK is no longer a five-membered group anymore (at least for the time being), and trying to keep the faith.

There is a wall.

In the thick blur of unfamiliarity, this detail stands in sharp, almost disturbing relief. Every dressing room in all the concert and talk show venues have more or less maintained the key minimum attributes – mirrors, tables, bulbs emanating warm lighting against the glass. This was different, something new. You blink, and then frown. You’ve had enough changes going on in your life already. You don’t welcome such alterations in your daily routine.

It is claustrophobic in here, your space shrunk and invaded. You would like to think that this feeling is solely due to mere physical reasons, but self-denial is a difficult task to accomplish. Could it be that....no, no it cannot. It must not be. A thought crosses your mind that causes you to draw a sharp intake of breath, and suddenly you feel cold and clammy inside, like that time when you almost got lost in Japan when all five of you just arrived there years ago.

Suddenly you hear footsteps. You crane your neck, trying to search for the source of the disturbance, but white walls on all sides glare back at you, almost blinding. You can’t see anything beyond but you can hear everything.

“Ya, Jaejoong, look at this place... what have they done to it?” You recognize Yoochun’s husky tone, raised barely above a whisper.

One step. Two steps. Silently you count the familiar thudding of Jaejoong’s feet against the floor, hearing it draw closer towards you, hidden from view. You can almost imagine Jaejoong’s brow furrowing in a similar fashion to how you often quirk yours.

You start knocking on the wall – one knock. Two knocks. You wait with bated breath, anticipatory fingers tapping on the partition. It’s Jaejoong. You know Jaejoong.

Three knocks. Four knocks. They echo into the sterile air of the dressing room, descending upon the floor without return. You refuse to believe it. Jaejoong can do anything – everything.

A pause. Jaejoong is thinking. You know that kind of pause well.

“It’s nothing. Let’s go, Chun.”

The door (the one on the other side, the one they didn’t allow you to enter) clicks. Slowly you allow yourself to slide down against the wall, collapsing into a heap. You are numb with defeat.
You couldn’t forget the last time you saw Jaejoong.

The three of them – or “JYJ”, as they were considering calling themselves now – had already moved out. The apartment was painfully empty, and cold at night. Yunho refused to share the room with you because it reminded him too much of Junsu. He didn’t take Jaejoong and Yoochun’s room, either. In the end he was relegated to the couch in the living room. You prevented yourself from telling him that you didn’t see any point in his adamant decisions – it’s impossible trying to escape from them in a house that all of you have shared for almost a whole decade. Everyone chooses his own way of mourning and for the two of you it was no different.

While Yunho slept soundly, you almost stopped entirely. You would toss and turn and flip the sheets and cover yourself with the pillow, but most of your dreams would be haunted by memories. They weren’t nightmares, but remembering was gradually becoming even more frightening than the stuff of horror shows recently.

It was on one of these sleepless nights that Jaejoong crept into the room.

Thud. Thud. Thud. One step. Two steps. Pause.

He was scared to death of waking Yunho up, Jaejoong confessed. Yunho was too unpredictable, too prone to bottling up his feelings until they came to boiling point one day and exploded. He didn’t know whether Yunho would throw things at him or start crying. He didn’t know which was worse. As for you (and this time he smiled). You were special. Jaejoong always said that, and when he said it again this time round you felt like your heart would burst and explode, like Yunho’s feelings.

When Jaejoong was about to leave he tilted his head and looked at you so directly you couldn’t tear your eyes away.

“So this is goodbye?”

It was an invitation, not a farewell bid. You understood the plea in his voice.

This time it’s your turn to pause again. You couldn’t leave Yunho alone, not in this state. You didn’t want this family, this home to crumble and break apart. You needed to protect the foundation, keep it strong, keep the faith that one day all the pieces would be able to come together again.

“Yes, this is goodbye.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Jaejoong had never needed to ask this before. But now there were too many uncertainties, too many invisible barriers. You understand why there would be reason for hesitance.

Silently, you nod. You had kissed many times before, but not like this. You had stayed close to Jaejoong before, but not like this. You clench your fingers tight and absorb every contour of his body, memorizing them into your own warm skin.

This could be the last time you would ever remember feeling like this.

That was the only memory that was good, the only thing that you could seek solace in to keep your sanity. Now, slipping back into reality, you remain dazed. Jaejoong had said, you are special. Now he doesn’t even want to acknowledge your mere presence. You cannot believe it. You refuse to believe it.

The light shifts, and then you notice another abnormality on the floor. A scrap of paper on the usually spotless linoleum. You are tired of all this investigation and pondering and you just want to curl up and lose yourself in your dark thoughts, but for want of something better to do you pick it up anyway and flip it over.

Jaejoong’s thin, slanting scrawl.

You are special.
(They don’t let us talk to you two, ever. There are cameras, but they can’t see

The door clicks open.

Slowly you rise to your feet, still hidden from view. You pound against the partition with your fists, and the pain doesn’t seem to resonate with the stark red of your knuckles, blood seeping to the surface and threatening to overflow. Somewhere on the other side of the wall Jaejoong is hearing, and maybe listening. Somewhere there is Jaejoong standing, luminescent, more gorgeous than you have ever seen him, and maybe just like you he presses himself fiercely against the wall, his heart thudding to the beat of your fists, blood rushing with all the love and dreams of this world, as if the wall would disintegrate if the both of you came close enough, wish hard enough.
And so the two of you would stand, mirror images of each other, only this time the mirror refuses to break and the only shattering you hear comes from the cracks in your chest, in your heart.

There is a wall, and it doesn’t come down.
Maybe not ever. Maybe not yet.
Feeling like: accomplishedaccomplished
(Deleted comment)
cynsinnn;: Jaemin Prince in Praguecynsinnn on January 16th, 2011 06:25 am (UTC)
thankyou :D I'm really glad you liked it, its been a long time since I wrote any Jaemin at all :/
whatifgirl86 on January 14th, 2011 06:13 am (UTC)
Aww this was so sad. I felt sorry for the both of them, but it was also well written. That last two sentences were really depressing though. Yet, I really enjoyed reading this:D
cynsinnn;cynsinnn on January 16th, 2011 06:26 am (UTC)
I was trying to make the last two sentences sound more ambiguous rather than too tragic/final. I guess its the uncertainty that gets all of us sin't it ): Thank you I'm really glad you liked it!
(Deleted comment)
cynsinnn;: Jaemin guerilla interviewcynsinnn on January 16th, 2011 06:26 am (UTC)
don't we all ): Thanks for reading!
vhii1217vhii1217 on January 15th, 2011 05:29 pm (UTC)
a very well-written fic! the emotion is just true and realistic. your diction is also impressive. it's kinda hard to read non-AU jaemin fics nowadays, what with the situation they're in now. but your story depicts it in just the right way, none too hope-filled and none too bitter, just what most likely happens with sprinkle of wistfulness.

it's been quite a long time since i last found such a good jaemin fic. thanks for writing this!
cynsinnn;: Rising Sun Mincynsinnn on January 16th, 2011 06:29 am (UTC)
Thank you love <3 I guess for me its the total opposite; I just find it really strange to keep on reading AU fics when in we all know that in real life there are so many complications and problems that pretending that all is fine and well on the surface is just a fantasy. :/ such a wet blanket, I know, but I needed to at least address this for a bit. I'm genuinely glad you liked it :D
yceam: withualwaysyceam on January 20th, 2011 01:07 am (UTC)
i love the somewhat poetry behind your lines...
it's so beautiful that i tear up when i finished reading this.

the feelings were too raw that it went straight to my
longing ot5 heart *sniffs*

my favorite line would be:

You clench your fingers tight and absorb every contour of his body, memorizing them into your own warm skin.

This could be the last time you would ever remember feeling like this.

simply beautiful.

keep it up!
keep the faith!
we'll keep on waiting <3

Aizawa Mikaaizawa_mika on January 26th, 2011 03:57 am (UTC)
I cried reading this! :( It was so sad! I missed them so much and I still do.
Thank you so much! This was great!
ashleyjaneeashleyjanee on June 8th, 2012 01:15 pm (UTC)
I found this fic while looking through someone's memories and I've gotta say that this is hearwrenching and beautiful all at the same time, I clicked your JaeMi tag and saw that this was the only story for this coupling. I really wish you'd write more JaeMin because they're totally my OTP and I really would like to read more of your stories 8D